A Satirical Guide to Settler Logic
With the Exodus of Israel gathering pace,
Some in the UK are concerned about Israeli’s moving over here.
Worried they’re going to move into their neighbourhoods.
Wondering what they’ll do if that happens.
I say bring them.
I’m serious.
Bring them over.
Move them in next door to me.
Over time…
I’ll inch into their garden —
so slowly,
so methodically —
they won’t even notice
until they’re living in the shed,
wondering when the ceasefire starts…
and why their daughter is marrying a guy called Mohammed Mohammed.
I’m serious. Move them in.
Next door.
Every six months,
I’ll shift the garden fence a few inches.
And by 2030,
they’ll have to walk sideways
just to get to the end of their property.
I’ll build a brick barbecue.
I’ll invite them over.
Just to be neighbourly, obviously.
No pork.
Then, every few weeks —
in the middle of the night —
I’ll dismantle it…
and rebuild it…
six inches closer to their house.
By the time they figure out what’s happening and complain…
I’ll be grilling burgers
in their fucking living room.
I live in a block of flats.
There’s a communal washing area a few doors down.
If they move in here,
I’ll install a checkpoint
between their front door and that washing area.
And they’ll only be able to cross it
with the right papers.
They’ll never have the right papers.
I won’t do all this all at once, obviously…
I’m not a monster.
I’ll do it incrementally.
Over, say, 75 years of occupation…
and 56 years of apartheid.
I’ll start by mowing 30% of his lawn for him.
Just 30% though, you know…
The bit where our lawns overlap.
You know —
just to be neighbourly.
Then I’ll install a little gazebo.
A shared relaxation area.
Where we can do yoga.
Just something nice. For us both.
By winter,
I’ve got a pond.
I’ve got ducks.
I’ve got koi carp down there.
And an AI-operated 35mm machine gun.
For security. Obviously.
I’ll start a petition at the council
to rename the street —
Francesca Albanese Avenue…
or
Madleen Close.
Then I’ll start sanctioning his visits to the bakery.
And I’ll erect a roadblock in a different place every day
on his route to work…
see how he fucking likes it.
If this sounds absurd to you — good.
Because it is.
And yet…
this is how millions were forced to live.
Because of them.
Karma is a bitch.
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